Why?

This is the question that I often pose to God. I never get a direct answer. No voices in my head, no burning bushes, I am no Moses. But I still ask.. Why God, Why? And How? And Where, where are you when people need you the most. (He never leaves, we just lose sight for a little while.)

Why do these things happen
How could you allow them to
Where did you go

Three questions that I cannot answer. But Lord, I try. I try, I try. I converse with others to see if they have answers, and sometimes they do, and I believe them.. Then something happens again and these Questions resurface.

Ever feel like you just need to let out a shout to the heavens? I wish I could, but unfortunately I would wake people up just now. But it is so frustrating.. not having the answers, having these things happen, again and again and again... Damn it..

And it was only earlier today when I thought "Fuck Trigonometry".. seems naive.
Writing helps though.. thank goodness.

I've heard that people who have been sad or depressed for a while tend to keep becoming sad and depressed. We fall back into what is comfortable, what we know, what we can handle. When we are happy we don't know what to do.. I've been thinking about that for a week or so now, when a girl in one of my classes came in crying two days in a row. I wanted to feel sad for her, then I felt myself Wanting to feel sad just for the sake of it. Because it is comfortable, I have been there, I know that place. That thought scared me.. "No" "I am not going back there" That place is not fun.. If there isn't anyone around you could get lost..
That's why talking, writing, drawing, whatever, anything that is a release is so important. I wrote when I was in that place, and no it wasn't all happy-go-lucky kind of stuff, but it helped.
Talking is the best thing for me though. Its weird I feel more at ease to talk to someone I know, but not on a real personal level. Like I don't talk to my parents about personal stuff much at all, some people can do that but not me.. Talking to someone, anyone is the biggest release for me.

I don't want to go there again.. but it feels like I'm being pulled you know? We're watching Hotel Rwanda in Af. Am. Studies.. which is sad. I needed (and got :] ) a hug after 5th period. Then I learn that a good friend of mine's parents are getting a divorce.. Then one of my best friends has a breakdown (for lack of a better word) and I don't even know about it. Ah, I feel like I need to cry, but I don't want to.. Why do these things happen? Dammit why?

I need to go ride my bike.. but unfortunately its the middle of the night lol :]
I'll ride it tomorrow, in the sunshine.


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